why I’m keeping the “x”
In 2018, the state of Maine made it possible to select an "X" gender marker on official identification documents in addition to M or F. I'd been out as nonbinary for a little over a year, and had only begun “socially transitioning"- at that time, for me, meaning my peers and therapist used "they/them" pronouns for me and I never corrected anyone who got them wrong. But the fact that I am nonbinary was something I felt very deeply and knew to be true, so with the help of said therapist, I filed the necessary paperwork and received a new ID a few weeks later. Very little fanfare and almost no resistance during the process. Changing my gender marker to represent my identity and to further distance myself from being perceived as my assigned sex was the first significant measure I took to live in the world as my most authentic self.
In 2020, I moved to Illinois. Mid-pandemic and mid-revolution. At the time, Illinois had passed a bill allowing for the "X" on ID's-- but it wouldn't be issuing the X for a couple years (for some unknown reason). I kept my Maine ID for years despite staying in Illinois, because I wasn't about to pay for an ID that misrepresented me and then pay AGAIN to get one with the X when the paperwork caught up. I also figured (correctly) that I would change my name at some point, so I would just do it all at once. When I finally was able to get my Illinois ID in 2024, it was even less of a process than my Maine one. I just showed my name change certificate, checked the correct box on the form, took an unflattering photo, paid, and left. I ordered two ID's; a driver's license and a state ID (which now is proving to be a smart investment given how often Queer folks are reporting their documents being confiscated by the state). Both have the X marker and my proper, legal name.
Now, the so-called “president” and his sham administration are actively targeting and criminalizing trans people. The X is no longer an option for anyone on any documents federally. Trans people do not exist as a protected legal category of humans. Our rights are being stripped away and our bodies policed. The attacks on our community are fierce and constant, and cis people are also already being caught in the crossfire. It's a scary time to be Queer and trans, and many trans and nonbinary folks have opted to reverse or change their X gender markers for their own protection and safety. I don't blame them one bit.
I considered changing mine as well, but ultimately decided that it wouldn't be worth the hassle or risk for me. Trans folks are being harassed, their documents stolen and destroyed, and almost certainly being added to watchlists as they attempt to correct their paperwork in any direction.
In January, I saw TikToks of folks recommending that we change our ID's to whatever gender we "pass better as." I've been on testosterone for over four years now, I got top surgery in November of 2024, I shave my head and grow a beard, but I would not say I pass as a man. My makeup, stature, painted nails, body language, vocal patterns and generally soft nature all tend to lead people to a reaction of confusion rather than a "hey bro." I also absolutely do not pass as a woman any more for the same reasons. I'm not sure which would be safer for me to be perceived as- a woman with body and facial hair and a flat chest, or a small, effeminate man with no regard for the rules of masculinity? I think in this climate, both are punishable offenses. I choose instead to obscure my biology through the X for my safety- if you're not sure what I'm "supposed to be" then whatever I am may be less threatening.
I also feel strongly that I should not HAVE to change my documents again. My IDs are valid until nearly 2030. I paid money, spent time at the DMV, and did everything correctly. My documents are accurate. I do not need to present my sex to anyone. In a medical context, I can (and will) disclose my medical history to my healthcare providers– though in most medical environments, I am already not listened to and treated with suspicion and disdain. A letter on my ID does not fully capture all my conditions and needs anyway. In any other setting, my sex is irrelevant. Cops don't need to know what gamete I can produce. My budtender doesn't need to know what I'm packing in my pants. It's nobody's business what I was assigned at birth. What a doctor thought about my infant genitalia is not important to my adult day-to-day life–especially now that my current body has shifted and changed so much since then. My body is as it is, here and now, and that's what we need to be dealing with.
I understand and empathize with the Queer folks who have had to change their gender markers in the face of this administration- who have had to choose to be misgendered at the cost of keeping themselves alive. Nobody should have to make that choice. Everyone should be able to be accurately represented on their official paperwork. Not that paperwork makes a lick of difference when it comes to who we really are…but still.
I’m likely already on an FBI watchlist for a variety of reasons and it simply doesn’t make sense for me to flag myself in the system unnecessarily right now. I plan on continuing to write and produce radical literature and resist this government and any form of state, and I’m going to do so without my assigned sex on display. This rebellion of keeping the X, while its visibility does put me at risk, is important to me. I’m not “male” or “female” at this point, and sex is simply not relevant as we walk through the world. I hope anyone who ever has to check my ID is confused. I hope nobody can ever tell for sure what I am. I will have to accept the consequences that come with this kind of trans visibility at this moment in history, but I know for sure that I would die for the right for all of us to be our most authentic selves.
I made a minizine on this topic to share my perspective more widely with folks. If you’d like a copy hand-folded by Queer hands shipped to you for free, you can grab one at my shop. Otherwise, digital downloads are always free.
Thank you for reading.
Now what are you doing to resist?
