Supporting the LGBTQ+ Child in Your Life: Resources for Caregivers and Youth
Content warning: this article includes discussions of suicide, self harm, discrimination, and violence against LGBTQ+ people. Please care for yourself as needed as you engage with this material.
We are living in a time where more people than ever before feel comfortable enough to come out and live as their full selves. A 2021 household study by the Human Rights Campaign found that “at least 20 million adults in the United States could be lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender - nearly 8% of the total adult population (HRC, 2021).” Young people are also increasingly gender expansive and Queer- one in five Gen Z young adults identify as LGBTQ+, according to a recent Gallup study. This means if your child is sharing with you that they might like girls instead of boys, or that they might in fact be a boy rather than the girl you previously thought, they are not alone. And you, as their caregiver, are also not alone. It can be scary for your child to share new information about themselves with you, especially if it relates to how they are able to move through the world, but being LGBTQ+ is a wonderful thing, and you have a major role to play in nurturing your child’s sense of self. The good news is, there are plenty of resources to explore that can help you as you embark on the journey of supporting the LGBTQ+ child in your life.
Why support LGBTQ+ youth?
Despite increased visibility and normalization of Queer adults, Pride celebrations, and discussions of gender and sexuality in our society, there are still many challenges that Queer youth will face over the course of their lives. We know that LGBTQ+ youth face increased risk for mental health crises and suicidality, largely as a result of unsupportive environments around them (including schools, doctor’s offices, religious institutions, and the home). According to a 2022 study by the Trevor Project, “45% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year. Nearly 1 in 5 transgender and nonbinary youth attempted suicide and LGBTQ youth of color reported higher rates than their white peers.” When we consider the intersections of other identities that our young people have, such as race and ethnicity, we see an increase in marginalization that they may face. Additionally, the current state of affairs in America today is openly anti-transgender, which understandably creates stress and tension for youth. The Trevor Project found that “93% of transgender and nonbinary youth said that they have worried about transgender people being denied access to gender-affirming medical care due to state or local laws.” This fear also applies to being denied access to bathroom facilities and the ability to play sports. LGBTQ+ youth also frequently encounter discrimination, harassment, and violence based on who they are- on the street, at home, and at school. Add to this the over 300 anti-LGBTQ+ bills proposed or passed in America in 2022 alone, and you have a difficult climate for Queer youth.
As concerning as these statistics are, the data does provide some hope in the form of solutions. A 2021 study on transgender and nonbinary youth found that “[gender-affirming hormone therapy] is significantly related to lower rates of depression and suicidality among transgender and nonbinary youth.” Hormones and surgeries are not for everyone- but having the ability to access these resources has a positive impact on the mental health of our young people. The good news is, the easiest thing you can do as a caregiver also has the largest positive impact on your child’s life: just be open and supportive of the fact that your child is LGBTQ+. The Trevor Project found that “LGBTQ youth reported lower rates of attempting suicide when they felt more supported by their friends and family.” Let’s dive in a little deeper and explore specifically what you can do to be supportive of the Queer youth in your life!
Support at Home
Allow your child to try on new things at home (name, pronouns, way of dressing and expressing themselves) and let them talk about their crushes, attraction, and how they are feeling about themselves. Just be supportive and encourage their expression. It may not be forever, but that’s okay. Their identity may not end up being a permanent part of their lives, but young people know themselves pretty well and encouraging them to explore will make a big difference.
Ask questions and let “I don’t know (yet)” be an acceptable answer! Sometimes we don’t know exactly everything about ourselves, but we do know that whatever we’re “supposed to be” is not quite right. Allow your child to lead the conversation and show your support by asking them questions and trusting their answers. Just treat your child with respect and as if they are normal- because they are!
Educate yourself- and learn together! Read books or watch videos on Queerness together to learn more and prompt discussion. It’s ok if you don’t know everything yet, and it’s even better to model being curious and interested in understanding something more with your child.
Resources for learning more about LGBTQ+ Identity:
Advocate at School
If possible, get involved with your child’s school and be vocal about the importance of LGBTQ+ inclusion. Go to school board meetings. Attend parent-teacher conferences. Use your position as an adult in the community to advocate on behalf of your child.
Work with any supportive teachers in the community to form an after-school organization for Queer youth, if one does not already exist. If your school already has one, see if you can volunteer with the organization as a chaperone or find another way to show your support!
If you are unable to get more involved in your school community, oppose laws that limit Queer children by calling or emailing your legislators. Make sure you vote for representatives and lawmakers that explicitly support Queer youth, and talk to your child about the process and importance of having your voice heard through voting.
You may live in a state that has passed laws to limit discussions of gender and sexuality in schools, and there may be very little you can do about that at this point. If you find yourself in one of these states, I encourage you to do everything you can to make sure your home is a supportive environment for your child to offset the stress they may encounter at school.
Support at the Doctor’s Office
If your child is transgender, nonbinary, or otherwise gender non-conforming, make sure you advocate for the use of their proper name and pronouns when you go to the doctor. This includes on forms, files, and in dialogue with nurses and doctors.
If you and your child have decided that medical gender-affirming care is necessary for them, make sure you are in a state that allows you to provide that type of care for your child.
Remember: not all gender-affirming care is medical! If hormones, hormone blockers, or other medical interventions are not on the table for whatever reason, consider gender-affirming care in the form of a new haircut, a new outfit, or even a piercing or other non-permanent body modification if they are old enough.
As your child gets older, have open conversations with them about their sexual health and wellbeing. It is unlikely that your child will receive comprehensive sex education in public school or even at the doctor’s office- let alone Queer-positive sex ed, so it’s crucial that you empower them with knowledge about their bodies and their autonomy. Doctors may not automatically assume that folks have same-sex partners or gender variations, and may not give care appropriate to their needs.
Be sure to talk about STI’s and safer sex practices, consent, healthy relationships and boundaries, and red flags in relationships that could lead to domestic violence/intimate partner violence. Queer folks are often at high risk for domestic violence, and many in same-sex relationships incorrectly assume that because pregnancy is not possible, there are no risks to sexual activity. If you have questions about these topics, check out Scarleteen as one sexual wellness resource for teens.
Find Your Community- Together
Lean on supportive friends and family members- both for you and your child. Sometimes, being Queer means you lose some people who don’t agree with who you are. Chosen family- or the people you choose to be as close to you as family- are a crucial part of a Queer existence. Help your child build a supportive network of both adults and young people to form that chosen family, especially if there are people in your world who don’t support who they are.
In addition, be willing to have tough conversations with friends and family who are unsupportive or who do not understand. Help them learn so your child does not have to!
There are Queer summer camps, Queer youth groups, and many other LGBTQ+ positive spaces for your child to thrive and build community. Resources such as PFLAG also provide local community and support for caregivers of Queer youth. Remember: neither you nor your child are alone in this.
Therapy is a great option if it is accessible to you- for you as the caregiver- to learn new coping skills and talk things out with an unbiased third party, for your child- to help them make sense of their feelings in a safe and affirming context, and maybe as a family- depending on everyone’s response to LGBTQ+ identity. You can also spend some time prioritizing mindfulness and slowing down together- to build stronger bonds and facilitate a sense of calm in your home. Online supportive resources such as Gender Spectrum, The Trevor Project, and Q Chat Space are vetted and provide free or low-cost support to Queer youth and their families.
Virtual spaces can be a great way to find community if you live somewhere with limited in-person Queer community- but be cautious of letting your child get all their information and resources from the internet. Be sure to moderate your child’s access and have frequent conversations about internet safety. There are some virtual spaces exclusively for LGBTQ+ youth, such as TrevorSpace- a social community led by the Trevor Project. These can be great places for your child to connect with others who have similar identities and experiences!
However you decide to do it, being supportive of your Queer child is important for their health and wellbeing. These resources will provide a starting point for your journey into the Queer community with your child- and be sure to look locally to see if there are in-person community resources near you as well.
Remember: you are not alone, and you and your child have the support of a large and ever-growing community of diverse people who want to see us all thrive.
Links & Resources
2022 National Survey on LGBTQ+ Youth
Mental Health Outcomes of LGBTQ+ Youth
Gender Affirming Care LGBTQ+ Youth
We Are Here: Understanding the Size of the LGBTQ+ Community
TrevorSpace - Social Community for LGBTQ Young People
Guide-to-Being-an-Ally-to-Transgender-and-Nonbinary-Youth.pdf
The Coming Out Handbook – The Trevor Project
