Supporting Someone Coming Out to You: On Coming Out Day and Beyond
October 11th is National Coming Out Day! The first National Coming Out Day was celebrated in 1988 to commemorate the National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. Today, this important day is observed to make space for the courageous act of coming out as a Queer person, and to educate and inform cisgender/heterosexual folks about how to best support those in your life who come out.
Many folks in our world today have the privilege of not having to “come out” as anything in particular- because their identities are seen as normal, acceptable, and as the default setting for personhood. For the rest of us Queer folks, coming out is a daily practice that we commit to for the rest of our lives from the moment we decide to live openly as we are. This can be difficult, and many are not able to live openly today because the cost is too high. Coming out can broaden your world or shrink it. It can build connections or sever them. Personal, professional, and even family ties can be at stake when someone comes out.
Some folks also experience anxiety around coming out because it creates a sense of finality; you are declaring something about yourself, but what if that identity changes someday, or what if something else changes? There is a great deal of fear of getting it “wrong-” as if who you are could ever be “wrong.” The pressure to be 100% sure of yourself is real- but you could not come out once your entire life and still be Queer. You could change your mind about the words you use to explain yourself a million times and still be valid. Your identity is not determined by how many people know about who you are. As long as you know who you are, that’s what counts- and you can take as long as you need to figure it out.
For Queer folks who are out on National Coming Out Day, I encourage you to focus on the empowering aspects of coming out. There is such power in owning your narrative, being authentic to who you truly are, and saying F U to those who would tell you otherwise. You deserve to live as yourself, and you are absolutely allowed to take up space and tell the world about it! Build connections, build community, build a life!
For Queer folks who are not out on National Coming Out Day (or any day), know that there is room for you here, too. There are so many reasons why someone might not be out, and all of them are valid. Take your time, keep yourself safe, and remember that you are enough as you are. For anyone who has never had a reason to celebrate National Coming Out Day, consider how it feels to be really known and respected by those close to you. It’s nice to be understood, it’s better to be accepted, it’s best to be celebrated and welcomed- but somehow, even the baseline of respect is too much to ask for in some people’s minds today.
For those looking to understand, accept, celebrate, and welcome, I have compiled some Do’s and Don’ts of supporting someone who has come out to you:
DO’S
Validate and support! This person has shared something personal and vulnerable with you, so let them know you see them and remind them they are loved!
Be open and ready to learn more on your own time! You might have a lot of questions, and this person likely does as well. It’s best to save the Q&A for Google, later.
If you have questions about the specific nuances of Queer identity, you might consider…
Reaching out to a support group for loved ones of Queer folks
Joining a (virtual) book club that is reading a book on Queer topics
Watching movies/videos, reading books, or listening to podcasts that center the Queer experience
Ask them how they would like to be supported moving forward as they share (or not share) this part of themselves with the world!
DON’TS
Respond based on stereotypes or biases of Queer people. This person is likely not confused, or going through a phase, or doing anything that will harm them long-term.
Tell anyone! This is their story to tell, so let them lead the process. You can be there to offer a listening ear or support through what is an emotional and taxing process.
Try to convince them they are making the wrong choice by being open. Yes, it can be difficult to be an openly Queer person in our world today, but it is even more difficult to hide who you are and pretend to be something you’re not.
Ask questions that are invasive or hurtful. You may be interested, but questions about a person’s body, sex life, relationship status, or medical history are none of your business. It’s okay to have questions, and you may be able to have conversations about Queerness with this person when you’re both ready, but you want to respect their boundaries in the process.
I dream of a Queer future where nobody has to come out, because our identities are all seen as valid, normal, and most importantly- subject to change!
However you observe National Coming Out Day (or not!)- it is important to reflect on who we are, how we build our society, and the privileges we have or lack. To learn more about supporting the newly out people in your life and continue the journey, check out these resources below.
You are not alone!
Resources:
COMING OUT A Handbook for LGBTQ Young People
