Is It Transitioning?

Thanks for reading! Gender and identity are very nuanced topics, and I don’t speak for everyone. This Is just one perspective out of many, and I encourage you to consider a variety of diverse viewpoints as you explore these topics!

I was recently asked if I was transitioning, and it got me thinking about the language we use to describe the changes happening in our lives. The truth is, I personally don’t think of myself as “transitioning.” True– I don’t feel aligned with all the roles, expectations, and standards for my sex assigned at birth, but I also don’t “live full-time” as the “opposite sex” either (and yes, that is a requirement for accessing gender-affirming care, if you were wondering). As a nonbinary person, the changes that I make to my body and life for my well-being don’t fit neatly into the script of a “transition” as most folks understand it. 

The Oxford English dictionary defines transition as “the process by which a transgender person permanently adopts the outward or physical characteristics that match their gender identity, as opposed to those associated with the sex registered for them at birth. The process may or may not involve measures such as hormone therapy and gender reassignment surgery.”

I do like a few things about this definition- that it exists at all is a great step for a more broad understanding of trans experiences, and I also appreciate that it acknowledges that the process may not include medical intervention. I mainly object to the language of “permanent” as well as “outward or physical” characteristics here. I know for me personally, my journey with my gender has not been linear, and some of the most significant changes I’ve made to affirm my gender have not been permanent, outward, or physical. I also don’t believe that a transgender person has to fit into a new set of gendered expectations permanently in order to qualify as having “transitioned.” Some folks may end up doing so, and they are absolutely valid. I don’t see why Queer folks (or anyone, really) should have to conform to rigid, archaic ideals in a permanent and physical way to be seen as complete people. 

My medical history is not the most interesting thing about me, nor is it the primary defining factor for me in terms of my gender. I didn’t start being nonbinary when I began hormone replacement therapy or shaving my head. Since I am not moving from one thing to another, it is difficult for me to characterize my experience as a “transition.” Instead, I have always said that I am becoming: more myself, more authentic, more confusing to the state-enforced gender binary and all that it entails. When I am asked if I’m “transitioning,” I am really being asked about what my body looks like now, what has been added or removed, and what my plans are to try and fit in now as whatever they perceive me to be. I don’t fault anyone for not understanding: trans stories are not told in any kind of accurate fullness in our culture, and most people have a fairly narrow understanding of what transition entails (namely: surgery and hormones). 

Even if I’m taking hormones today, I might not take them forever depending on the needs of my body and soul. I am not trying to look like a woman or a man. I don’t really pass as either any more. I wonder: what would a “completed transition” look like for someone like me? Many nonbinary people don’t take any medical steps to affirm their gender whatsoever, but are still nonbinary and still valid. Becoming who we are doesn’t have to look any one way. We shouldn’t have to follow any particular path in order to be seen as valid, or deserving of respect and autonomy. 

This conversation also made me think about why some actions are only considered transition when a transgender person takes them. Is it “transitioning” when a person gets a tattoo they’ve been planning for months (or years) and their skin finally looks the way they want it to in their head? Is it “transitioning” when a cisgender woman gets a new haircut in a style she’s never tried, and it makes her feel beautiful, confident, sexy, in ways she’s never felt before? Is it “transitioning” when a cisgender man takes supplements and testosterone (possibly even steroids) to help him gain muscle, feel strong, and have more energy? These changes may be permanent, they are outward and physical, and they often are made to help the person feel more aligned with the standards of Women and Men, even for those who were assigned that way at birth.

Cis people can do these things easily, without being diagnosed with any mental disorder first or attending therapy to consider the long-term ramifications. They can just affirm their gender without much fanfare, and it is seen as acceptable and normal. In our Western society, the categories of gender are rigid, with strict rules and roles to follow. Not following them can result in great distress, because gender nonconformity is punishable by our peers and by the state. 

In my opinion, the rules and boundaries around gender harm everyone, including cisgender folks. If we lived in a world where our bodies did not determine the path we walk for the rest of our lives, where folks could self-determine who they are and what they want to look like, where our bodily autonomy was respected, I wonder how we would define “transition.” Our lives are already full of transitions: from child to adult, from our parents' homes to our own, from school to the world, from single to in relationships, from love to loss, from matter to energy. We don’t have to put so much pressure on our outward appearances. We don’t have to work so hard to fit arbitrary standards of beauty and acceptability. All human selves are complex, influenced by so many other parts of ourselves and our environments. Nothing in life is linear or one-dimensional, and it frustrates me that transgender folks’ experiences with their genders are reduced to simple timelines and boxes to be checked.
Men can be soft and small, with painted nails and gentle tears shed at sad movies. Women can be muscular and tall, with Carhartts on as they protect and nurture simultaneously. People like me can be whoever they are, doing whatever they want to do in their families and relationships and workplaces. Femininity is not exclusive to Women and masculinity is not exclusive to Men. We all have elements of both inside us already. Nobody should have to shrink themselves to fit one narrative, one timeline, somebody else’s idea of what their body should look like or be. 

So no, I’m not transitioning. But please ask me about the ways I live my life authentically. The ways I make sure I am cared for, seen, and nurtured as my fullest self. The ways I take care of others doing the same. Yes, I’m changing, I’m evolving, I’m growing into someone that’s more Me every day. 

All I want for any of us is the freedom and ability to do the same. 

In solidarity,

Wynter